Weekend Writing Warriors Excerpt #17

Weekend Writing Warriors is a fun website that allows talented writers to showcase their published or unpublished 8-sentence excerpts for the blogosphere. If you’d like to join or read some new stories, please visit WeWriWa’s website on Sunday, October 12th.

I was going to have my next installment be about the scandalous interview in Australia, but I’ll backtrack a bit. It’s the day the cast meets at the airport to head off for their promotional tour of Remember Me. A magazine has just printed about Sequoia’s cheating on Perry. The brutal article was posted right before this section (I didn’t share it because it’s pretty long 🙂 ).

Any feedback for improvements is much appreciated. This is my first story that’s not a drama or has a psycho character LOL.

Here’s my excerpt:

Sequoia scrunched the magazine in her hands then threw it on the floor. She wiped tears rolling down her cheek. Good thing she wore sunglasses because there was no way she could keep her cool today. No one, especially paparazzi, could see her cry. The only people she trusted were Seneca and Kenley. Unfortunately, Seneca was back in Georgia; however, Kenley was in the driver’s seat. They were on their way to the airport, Kenley’s boyfriend sat in the backseat, asleep.

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17 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors Excerpt #17

    • Hey Linda,

      That’s why I’m scared to ever become a celebrity! I’m a very private person, and the paparazzi would eat me up alive. TMZ would be cool though 🙂

      Sequoia has a support system, so you’ll just have to wait and see 🙂

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  1. I like the way you showed her stress through the crumpling of the magazine.

    This section could be smoothed out. I’d change the was and weres to action verbs and vary the sentence lengths to help the flow.

    The only people she trusted were Seneca and Kenley. Unfortunately, Seneca was back in Georgia; however, Kenley was in the driver’s seat. They were on their way to the airport, Kenley’s boyfriend sat in the backseat, asleep.

    Good luck with your story.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

    • Hey Joyce,

      Thanks for your suggestions. I need to work on my longwindiness (is that even a word LOL) and using passive tense when I’m writing.

      It’s been a fun challenge so far with my rewrites. It’s been suggested that I change some of these names (since they start with the same letters), so I did that. And, another potential conflict was introduced by a critiquer. I liked her idea of maybe having the sisters being competitive and jealous of one another instead of supportive, that way I can stay in the women’s fiction lane and not just focus on the love triangle. A lot to do!

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  2. I can see she’s frustrated an angry, but it sort of felt flat to me…maybe a little more sensory detail? It reads like you’re telling me, not showing me. I dunno, hope that makes sense.

    • Hey Millie,

      Thanks for your feedback. Yeah, it definitely makes sense.I should work on sharing what she sees, interacts with objects/peoples and by the way I describe things will show what mood she’s in, instead of being inside her head.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  3. Hmm, wondering what it was that she read in the magazine, it had to be something horrible. Sometimes I feel bad that starts can’t do something as simple as live their day to day life without being harassed on the street, but dang that money they make must make it a whole lot better. Great eight!

    • Hey Charmaine,

      Millie had great advice, I’ll definitely follow it. “Let your feelings flow”–it’s so hard. I’m a thinker (INTJ). I try to put myself in my characters’ shoes and think how they’d feel and sometimes I hear crickets. I’ll get there, but it’s a major hurdle I always have to overcome.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  4. Liked the scene. I agree with Millie needs more detail. Why is she crying? Something in the magazine set her off or just part of the overall stress?

    A little confused on the sunglasses part. I think the arrangement is off. Why mention the paparazzi? Are they driving through a crowd of flashing cameras at the moment?

    • Hey Meka,

      She’s crying because the magazine article was vicious. She’s wearing sunglasses to hide the pain in her eyes from paparazzi who will be waiting at the airport when they arrive. That whole media acts like vultures when a scandal breaks loose 🙂

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

    • Thanks Veronica,

      Celebrities (no matter the industry) is something I’m very fascinated about, especially the shy ones who are in the spotlight. It’d be so cool to work for a PR firm to see behind-the-scenes of that world.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

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