Weekend Writing Warriors Excerpt #3

Weekend Writing Warriors bring authors together who’d like to share their work with the blogosphere and social media. By 9 AM on Sundays, an 8 sentence excerpt of your manuscript or draft is shared around the web. It can be from a published or unpublished work. If you’re interested in joining or would like to check out other writers who participated for the week, please go to WeWriWa’s website on JULY 6TH.

For this round, I thought it’d be cool to show Poe’s friendship developing with Raven. For someone afraid of children, maybe she didn’t do so bad with baby-sitting after all.

Here’s the excerpt:

When everyone had gone, Poe massaged Raven’s scalp as she settled on her lap. Even though she couldn’t see her face, Poe could feel her tears, her shoulder was soaking wet. She rubbed Raven’s back while the little diva held on for dear life.

“I want Mommy.”

“I know, Raven, I know.” Poe closed her eyes, rocking Raven back and forth. Poe didn’t know what it felt like to lose a parent. Unfortunately, Raven would learn this tough lesson at a very young age.

—————————-

21795800.jpg2Oliver never thought he’d see his ex, Poe, step foot in Rhode Island again. But, she returns a year later to pay her respects for the loss of Jenna, Oliver’s cousin. Deciding life’s too short, he plans to fight for what he wants. Can he convince Poe to give him a second chance? Or will old resentments resurface?

Poe’s life is going well in Pittsburgh. Her comic book is in production, and she has a great social life. Her world is shattered when she finds out her best friend, Jenna, passed away. She goes to Rhode Island, planning to attend the funeral. She gets an unexpected surprise when she’s able to bond with Jenna’s younger daughter, Raven. And, for a long time, she thought her ex hated her. Poe soon realizes, maybe she was wrong.

Amazon          —Goodreads          —-My Book Page

 

Keep smiling,

Yawatta Hosby

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21 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors Excerpt #3

  1. This was a really sweet scene, but sad 😦 There’s something about crying children that always breaks my heart. I used to teach ballet to 5 year olds and there were lots of tears. Poe seems like a natural with kids, but maybe that’s just with Raven because she’s the daughter of someone that she really cared about. If Raven has a dad in the picture I guess she will live with him or Jenna’s grandparents. It would be kind of cute if Poe stayed in Raven’s life.

    One thing I’m unsure of is the part that she has cried so much her shirt is soaking wet. It’s more likely that someone would notice the bloodshot eyes and puffy face. And I don’t know if it’s possible for Raven to get on Poe’s lap without seeing her face?

    • Hey Paper Butterfly,

      Aww, why did your ballet students cry? Were they upset that they weren’t learning the steps correctly?

      Dominic is Raven’s dad; I plan on revealing him soon in an excerpt. Poe will definitely stay in Raven’s life 🙂 With Poe not being able to see her face, I meant that Raven had her face buried in her shoulder.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

      • Oh, most of the 4- 5 year olds cried because they wanted their mom. Other times there were accidents and they fell. For many of them it’s their first activity. I often invited moms to dance with their kid if they were sad, but once they got geared up nothing would placate them :/ I mean I was like that too XD I was super attached to my mom when I was little.

        I’m glad Poe is going to stay in Raven’s life 🙂 Their relationship is so sweet :3

  2. So sad to have a child lose her mother. You did a good job showing Poe’s empathy and warm ways with Raven.

    Even though she couldn’t see her face, Poe could feel her tears, her shoulder was soaking wet.
    *I’d try to smooth this sentence out and soften the sounds. To do this, I would not use the word “could” twice. The ‘C’ has a hard sound and the word does little to set the mood. Perhaps a better feel of the wet shoulder, sounds of sniffing, or Raven digging her cheek into Poe’s shoulder would set the mood better.

    Also, be careful about repeating the names a lot, too. You may use a pronoun or find a different way to word the sentence, so the subject of the sentence doesn’t have to be the name of the character.

    “I know, Raven, I know.” Poe closed her eyes, rocking Raven back and forth.
    *This is a nice way to show Poe’s warmth toward Raven.

    Poe didn’t know what it felt like to lose a parent. Unfortunately, Raven would learn this tough lesson at a very young age.
    *This last sentence doesn’t do anything for me. Perhaps Poe could show this, rather than tell, by remembering a good time she had with her parents at this age and thinking how Raven won’t have this.

    This sounds like an intriguing idea, and I’d like to read on.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/07/8-weekend-writing-warriors-blog-hop.html

    • Hey Joyce,

      Thank you for stopping by! I really appreciate your feedback. I know I need to work on showing rather than telling, then maybe my word count would be higher than novellas. For my next books, I’ll pay more attention to setting the mood with specific details and watching my use of pronouns.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  3. Very heartrending scene. I agree, I don’t see the shirt as soaking wet, the shoulder maybe. Poe seems to be compassionate and obviously Raven feels that in her. Definitely an interesting 8.

    • Hey Chelle,

      Thank you. I tried to show Poe as caring and someone good with children even though she’s afraid that she’s not.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  4. Consider reorganizing the eight since the comments are worthwhile. The gang helped me a few months ago with great results. You foreshadow a loss for Raven. Is that necessary? Meanwhile I sense your skill and passion in this compelling snippet.

    • Hey Charmaine,

      Thank you. I’ll definitely start using excerpts of rough drafts; everyone’s feedback has been great. I jumped ahead, close to the ending. This excerpt is the morning of Jenna’s funeral.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

  5. I was wondering if Poe knew that Raven was going to lose her mom…like she has ESP, or if it already happened, in which case Raven is already learning this lesson…not going to learn it. I agree with everyone else…very nice job of tugging on my heart strings though : )

    • Hey Burns Millie,

      Thanks for stopping by! I skipped close to the ending, so this excerpt is the morning of Jenna’s funeral. I had help of my critique partner, beta-readers, and editor to make sure they’re was enough emotion in the scene 🙂 As an INTJ, I tend to lack that concept LOL.

      Keep smiling,
      Yawatta

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